Tuesday, April 6, 2010

At Times I Put On This Mask To Show A Different Side of Me......A Side You've Never Seen

A fight with a dear friend of mine brought this blog on. I also thought I would fill you with the happenings of my not so interesting life at the moment.
I just don't get why I'm so un-liked? I understand that yes, at times I'm quite the bitch. I also understand that people are all different all shapes and sizes etc...
I just don't get why people either one don't take well with me or two just don't like me. I have this thing about myself already that I'm so insecure about many things. A lot of people that I know personally know this. I just don't know...I hate being a grown-up in this world trying to find what makes me happy. I also feel that in a way I'm bi-polar. I'm so unhappy most of the time and when I see someone or something that makes me happy I'm cured. I'm not really sure what to say about it anymore. I have many issues which my friends are aware of, and yet they still continue to pick and prod at me. They know I'm so insecure its not even funny and they still continue to do that.

There are days when I pray that I never got involved with the soapies. It seems every problem, fight or struggle I have in my boring ass life has to do with them. I'm sorry it shouldn't be like that. It just makes me sad to think of it this way. A lot of my friends don't understand why I'm still attached and the reason is b/c I really don't have much in my life. I fluff it up a lot and make it seem like I do. I have a family but that's a whole story in itself. I will go on more about it later. The reason my self-esteem is so low is because I always find some way to push people away and then end up having no one on my side. I have friends that I thought were friends and then friends that only like me when it benefits them. I'm so sick of it, and sick of feeling this way. I wish I really didn't push people away, but its my default. I try not to be honest and open b/c when I do it doesn't work out like it should. Its frustrating most of the time. Makes me really hate my life as that aspect. I know I shouldn't be complaining, but damn, I think I still have every right to be unhappy with my life no matter if I'm well off or not. Sometimes its not about that. I think sometimes its about feeling emotions and being able to feel them back. Most of the time I don't get any emotions from anyone I'm close to. I wish there was a better cure to it or way to make it better.
I always tend to build up walls that come down for a bit then go right back up only because of what I got thorough. I've been burned so many times after times I'm over it. I have friends and I think that most of them see me as a different person and not who I really am. There are some who see me in a different light, but really don't get the full picture. I also think in some ways that people are really fake to me and I'm afraid to let people in due to the fact of that. I'm not sure why I feel these emotions and feel this way, but it makes me sick....
I hate feeling like I really don't have a purpose in life. I know right now I'm trying to find myself , but I have such a low self-esteem that I don't know how else to say it. I really think that most people don't like me or think so badly of me. I try not to think these thoughts but these are the things that haunt me in the back of my head. Things that I think about while talking to this person. I think also that at times I have such a different personality to what I'm really thinking. Like I'm really outgoing in person and bubbly, but then when you tell me to get deep I can't. I can with words written, but not actually talk about it.
I have this long drawn out fear that even though these people are talking to me and being nice to me maybe they're taking pitty on me and being nice. I also fear that they are talking to me and always want to somehow find a way to seek revenge on me. You may say that's insane, but those are many of my daily worries.
I also worry about upsetting people, being a failure to many people, people depending on me and expecting me to do things or being something I'm not. I wish I could go on an island where no one would bother me ever. I just don't know how to say it anymore.
Then the other side is I know I have a good life and a family, but I want that and more. I want to have all of it. I just don't think I belong. It sucks having that horrible feeling in your gut. Most of the time that's how I feel. I feel like I'm the odd egg in the bunch. This concept can go with my life, school and perhaps even work. There aren't many things these days that make me happy. Then it seems once I get happy someone or something that is close to me ruins it. It could be anything and I'm trying to learn not to pay mind to it, but that has presented to be really difficult. I feel as if I'm rambling on and on again. I also feel like many people who thought they knew me don't really know me. I feel like people mistaken me for something that is the total opposite. I'm a nice person try to be most of the time, but then there are times when being nice hasn't gotten me anywhere. Then I feel the need to resort back to being a world class bitch.

I feel like I was having a bad day this morning. It wasn't too bad but then I was late to class and the teacher made a fool of me in front of the class. I guess in a way it was bad but not as bad as it could have been. Then as the day progressed it go better. I received a text message from someone that I love dearly and I was asking her something from a friend point of view. She read my text and right away said something that she shouldn't have been saying. Anyways a shortened version is that we ended fighting and still haven't talked. I tried explaining things to her and all that jazz but she wasn't grasping it.

Once that whole debacle was over I met this person who I feel was meant to grace me with her presence. She's a great person inside and out and so sweet. I can't even imagine going through what she did last semester. I feel that her conversation with me as far as what we were discussing was great. I think she really helped me to see things different and then talk about fears. She also is a strong believer of our Lord and that he heals all and any. I just felt that I really connected talking with her, and hearing her story really inspired me to want to be a better person.
Even though I want to be a better person doesn't mean that I think in my head why am I doing this? What's wrong with me? I think about being the better person and then don't even end up following through. I feel like people think or know what to expect from me because that's my personality or so they think.

School still continues to suck.....................not much to say about it other than 2 wks left.
In case anyone was wondering about that. I've been working my ass off this semester and I feel like it has gotten me nowhere. I'm going to be so happy once its all over.

To be continued!