Tuesday, June 22, 2010

When You Gonna Get It???...I'm So Unaffected!!

I decided to write in this thing today to update everyone with my life. Right now my life is boring and more boring. It seems that I can't win. Either I'm extremely busy or have nothing to do. I guess I need to take this boredem and have time to reflect on my life and what I want my purpose in life to be. Right now my current state I feel like I'm not doing anything that's helping others. I feel the best when I'm helping others. This may include watching kids, donating my time to families that need things or even putting forth my faith in God.
I know that life is rough out there, but I feel that its a struggle to find something that you're good at and something that gives you that PURPOSE that you so yearn for. For me it has proven to be a little harder than I expected. There are most days that I wake up and just feel like giving up. I know there is always a voice that always gets in my head and tells me that's the easy way out. I'm not exactly sure how and why that happens but it happens often.
My parents feel that my purpose in life is to be a papparazzi. I refuse to be THAT person. I don't want that reputation or even to be placed in that same category. Who knows what my future may hold, but I do know that I need to get out of my current job or else I will go mentally insane. This job isn't cutting it for me anymore, moreover they are treating me like shit. I don't deserve half of the crap they've been pulling the last couple weeks. I didn't work there for 6 years to be treated like that.
Tomorrow is the big day. I have mixed emotions about what's going to go down. In case you've been living in a hole or under a rock. Tomorrow is when I'm going to see Jordin. I'm not sure what my feelings towards her are anymore. I'm not sure if I want to love her or just totally forget her b/c either way it is a painful thing. I just don't get any of it and I would love to know what to do or say to her tomorrow. I've been thinking for the past 2 weeks about what exactly I am going to say to her. I can even come up with one sentence. I guess that should be a sign that I need to move on, or just really see what's going to happen. I'm so torn and not exactly sure what to say to her. I wish I knew how it was going to play out and go down. I know God will be watching over me and he knows what's going to happen, but I hate not knowing. Oh well I will say a prayer tomorrow and hope for the best. I do know that if she sings "Let It Rain" I will die of happiness. That is literally one of my favorite songs EVER. It just speaks to me in words I can't describe.

Some of my fav lyrics from Jordin's New CD "Battlefield"

1. I refuse to feel ashamed....LET IT RAIN
2. Don't you know that you bringing flowers won't stop the ring.
3. I'm already looking back...I'm already looking around. Where did we get off the track, what was it that brought us down?
4. Changes come but where they go you never know.
5. Your love was a waste of time...you've been left behind.
6. There goes my attitude I'm almost over you.
7. That crazy chick don't know who's she's messing with.
8. So what if I came clean and told you all that you mean to me?
9. I'll write on the back that I'm in love with life and....
10. I'm so high from this love I don't want to look down.......the room starts to sway everytime you're around. Like the teacups at Disney you're making me DIZZY!!
You give me Vertigo.

There are so much more, but I could write about them all day long.

Hopefully the next couple days I'll write another blog saying how it went.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

At Times I Put On This Mask To Show A Different Side of Me......A Side You've Never Seen

A fight with a dear friend of mine brought this blog on. I also thought I would fill you with the happenings of my not so interesting life at the moment.
I just don't get why I'm so un-liked? I understand that yes, at times I'm quite the bitch. I also understand that people are all different all shapes and sizes etc...
I just don't get why people either one don't take well with me or two just don't like me. I have this thing about myself already that I'm so insecure about many things. A lot of people that I know personally know this. I just don't know...I hate being a grown-up in this world trying to find what makes me happy. I also feel that in a way I'm bi-polar. I'm so unhappy most of the time and when I see someone or something that makes me happy I'm cured. I'm not really sure what to say about it anymore. I have many issues which my friends are aware of, and yet they still continue to pick and prod at me. They know I'm so insecure its not even funny and they still continue to do that.

There are days when I pray that I never got involved with the soapies. It seems every problem, fight or struggle I have in my boring ass life has to do with them. I'm sorry it shouldn't be like that. It just makes me sad to think of it this way. A lot of my friends don't understand why I'm still attached and the reason is b/c I really don't have much in my life. I fluff it up a lot and make it seem like I do. I have a family but that's a whole story in itself. I will go on more about it later. The reason my self-esteem is so low is because I always find some way to push people away and then end up having no one on my side. I have friends that I thought were friends and then friends that only like me when it benefits them. I'm so sick of it, and sick of feeling this way. I wish I really didn't push people away, but its my default. I try not to be honest and open b/c when I do it doesn't work out like it should. Its frustrating most of the time. Makes me really hate my life as that aspect. I know I shouldn't be complaining, but damn, I think I still have every right to be unhappy with my life no matter if I'm well off or not. Sometimes its not about that. I think sometimes its about feeling emotions and being able to feel them back. Most of the time I don't get any emotions from anyone I'm close to. I wish there was a better cure to it or way to make it better.
I always tend to build up walls that come down for a bit then go right back up only because of what I got thorough. I've been burned so many times after times I'm over it. I have friends and I think that most of them see me as a different person and not who I really am. There are some who see me in a different light, but really don't get the full picture. I also think in some ways that people are really fake to me and I'm afraid to let people in due to the fact of that. I'm not sure why I feel these emotions and feel this way, but it makes me sick....
I hate feeling like I really don't have a purpose in life. I know right now I'm trying to find myself , but I have such a low self-esteem that I don't know how else to say it. I really think that most people don't like me or think so badly of me. I try not to think these thoughts but these are the things that haunt me in the back of my head. Things that I think about while talking to this person. I think also that at times I have such a different personality to what I'm really thinking. Like I'm really outgoing in person and bubbly, but then when you tell me to get deep I can't. I can with words written, but not actually talk about it.
I have this long drawn out fear that even though these people are talking to me and being nice to me maybe they're taking pitty on me and being nice. I also fear that they are talking to me and always want to somehow find a way to seek revenge on me. You may say that's insane, but those are many of my daily worries.
I also worry about upsetting people, being a failure to many people, people depending on me and expecting me to do things or being something I'm not. I wish I could go on an island where no one would bother me ever. I just don't know how to say it anymore.
Then the other side is I know I have a good life and a family, but I want that and more. I want to have all of it. I just don't think I belong. It sucks having that horrible feeling in your gut. Most of the time that's how I feel. I feel like I'm the odd egg in the bunch. This concept can go with my life, school and perhaps even work. There aren't many things these days that make me happy. Then it seems once I get happy someone or something that is close to me ruins it. It could be anything and I'm trying to learn not to pay mind to it, but that has presented to be really difficult. I feel as if I'm rambling on and on again. I also feel like many people who thought they knew me don't really know me. I feel like people mistaken me for something that is the total opposite. I'm a nice person try to be most of the time, but then there are times when being nice hasn't gotten me anywhere. Then I feel the need to resort back to being a world class bitch.

I feel like I was having a bad day this morning. It wasn't too bad but then I was late to class and the teacher made a fool of me in front of the class. I guess in a way it was bad but not as bad as it could have been. Then as the day progressed it go better. I received a text message from someone that I love dearly and I was asking her something from a friend point of view. She read my text and right away said something that she shouldn't have been saying. Anyways a shortened version is that we ended fighting and still haven't talked. I tried explaining things to her and all that jazz but she wasn't grasping it.

Once that whole debacle was over I met this person who I feel was meant to grace me with her presence. She's a great person inside and out and so sweet. I can't even imagine going through what she did last semester. I feel that her conversation with me as far as what we were discussing was great. I think she really helped me to see things different and then talk about fears. She also is a strong believer of our Lord and that he heals all and any. I just felt that I really connected talking with her, and hearing her story really inspired me to want to be a better person.
Even though I want to be a better person doesn't mean that I think in my head why am I doing this? What's wrong with me? I think about being the better person and then don't even end up following through. I feel like people think or know what to expect from me because that's my personality or so they think.

School still continues to suck.....................not much to say about it other than 2 wks left.
In case anyone was wondering about that. I've been working my ass off this semester and I feel like it has gotten me nowhere. I'm going to be so happy once its all over.

To be continued!

Friday, February 19, 2010

My Life....Falling Apart As I Know It!

Well it has been forever since I've wrote in this thing :)
I've been extremely busy with school and other things that have come into my life since December. 

Where to begin? My life has been anything but happy these days. I'm not sure exactly where to start or why this is going on? 
First let me start with school. I have two maybe one semester left and I'm happy that the end is almost near. I've been going to school my whole life and it is time to finally be done with it. On the other hand I don't really like my major and my classes this semester suck. This means I'm always in a bad mood and wishing I was doing photography instead. I know once I'm done with school I can pursue my passion and do photography. I can't wait it's going to be awesome. 

My dream for this summer is to go to NYC and live there for three months while doing a internship. I spoke to my parents about it and they were okay with it. After about 3 months they decided it wouldn't be a good idea if I went. Well why???? I got my cousin to find me a internship with a photographer he knows and it didn't pan out very well. Still keeping some faith that it will work out. If not looks like I will have to be here in the summer and take classes in the summer. LAME! I'm just so mad about it and I haven't told my parent yet b/c I'm worried that they will be happy instead of sad b/c I'm not going. I just need to keep praying that it will work out and I can go to NYC. I think even if I don't get to go I'm still gonna go to NYC for a month.

Next subject is my friends. WOW just WOW. Some people I can't even tell you..they need to be hit in the head with a bat. I just don't get it. I have 3 good friends that I love dearly, but I'm starting to think that maybe its that time again to re-think the friends situation. 

Here's the story: I have this friend that I go to school with and she's one of my closest friends here in FL. I talk to her about many things and trust her with many things. She has done the same vice versa. First of all she's a cancer patient and survived cancer. Now that she's in remission she has a lot of pain and I feel that sometimes she needs to do things to make it not be as bad. She doesn't help herself in doing so therefore she's always in pain. Anyways, the whole point is I feel that she is not contributing in the friendship and she's using me. 
I told her about me not getting my internship and her exact words were...YAY now you can come to my wedding. I get that its a HUGE occasion in your life and all but she knew how excited I was to go and be away for a couple months. Not once did she say I'm sorry or you will get one no worries. I just think that's selfish on her part. I don't get why people act like that. Anytime she's in pain or hurting I always listen to her complain and cry. Why does she not meet my needs or when I'm down and feeling bad? I just don't get people sometimes. Another example is last week she was in pain again and I got her food and everything. No thank you or compensation what so ever. I'm just hating doing things for her and getting nothing in return. She always makes u excuses and broken promises. She can't be relied on EVER for anything. It sucks b/c she was the closet thing to a friend that I had here in Jacksonville. Maybe its me that I expect too much out of my friends? I know the three friends that don't live here in FL are always amazing to me and would do anything for me in return. I'm just not sure what it is about people not mixing well with me here in FL.
 That's the story about that why I've been upset.

There are also a lot of things going on with my parents and family that I will keep private in case someone should read this that shouldn't be reading it. If you are interested in reading about it please email me and I will be happy to tell you that long drawn out mess!
Thanks for reading and letting me vent. I'm praying things will get better, and I know God will watch and make sure that it does :)

Until later,

PS: Getting a new tattoo soon can't wait. I'll post pics once I do :)