Tuesday, June 22, 2010

When You Gonna Get It???...I'm So Unaffected!!

I decided to write in this thing today to update everyone with my life. Right now my life is boring and more boring. It seems that I can't win. Either I'm extremely busy or have nothing to do. I guess I need to take this boredem and have time to reflect on my life and what I want my purpose in life to be. Right now my current state I feel like I'm not doing anything that's helping others. I feel the best when I'm helping others. This may include watching kids, donating my time to families that need things or even putting forth my faith in God.
I know that life is rough out there, but I feel that its a struggle to find something that you're good at and something that gives you that PURPOSE that you so yearn for. For me it has proven to be a little harder than I expected. There are most days that I wake up and just feel like giving up. I know there is always a voice that always gets in my head and tells me that's the easy way out. I'm not exactly sure how and why that happens but it happens often.
My parents feel that my purpose in life is to be a papparazzi. I refuse to be THAT person. I don't want that reputation or even to be placed in that same category. Who knows what my future may hold, but I do know that I need to get out of my current job or else I will go mentally insane. This job isn't cutting it for me anymore, moreover they are treating me like shit. I don't deserve half of the crap they've been pulling the last couple weeks. I didn't work there for 6 years to be treated like that.
Tomorrow is the big day. I have mixed emotions about what's going to go down. In case you've been living in a hole or under a rock. Tomorrow is when I'm going to see Jordin. I'm not sure what my feelings towards her are anymore. I'm not sure if I want to love her or just totally forget her b/c either way it is a painful thing. I just don't get any of it and I would love to know what to do or say to her tomorrow. I've been thinking for the past 2 weeks about what exactly I am going to say to her. I can even come up with one sentence. I guess that should be a sign that I need to move on, or just really see what's going to happen. I'm so torn and not exactly sure what to say to her. I wish I knew how it was going to play out and go down. I know God will be watching over me and he knows what's going to happen, but I hate not knowing. Oh well I will say a prayer tomorrow and hope for the best. I do know that if she sings "Let It Rain" I will die of happiness. That is literally one of my favorite songs EVER. It just speaks to me in words I can't describe.

Some of my fav lyrics from Jordin's New CD "Battlefield"

1. I refuse to feel ashamed....LET IT RAIN
2. Don't you know that you bringing flowers won't stop the ring.
3. I'm already looking back...I'm already looking around. Where did we get off the track, what was it that brought us down?
4. Changes come but where they go you never know.
5. Your love was a waste of time...you've been left behind.
6. There goes my attitude I'm almost over you.
7. That crazy chick don't know who's she's messing with.
8. So what if I came clean and told you all that you mean to me?
9. I'll write on the back that I'm in love with life and....
10. I'm so high from this love I don't want to look down.......the room starts to sway everytime you're around. Like the teacups at Disney you're making me DIZZY!!
You give me Vertigo.

There are so much more, but I could write about them all day long.

Hopefully the next couple days I'll write another blog saying how it went.